I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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