Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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