found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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