i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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