So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
