i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Four minutes until I can fart!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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