I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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