WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
