Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
