You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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