If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
