I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
