actually, I'm a sock model
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
