I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
