When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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