I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
