Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
