i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
