3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
