Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
