honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
