you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
