Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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