You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
