she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
