Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
