How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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