life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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