I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
