Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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