i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
