Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
