I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
