just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
