I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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