Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
