i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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