I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she told me i tasted like america
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
