Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
