Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
