My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
