He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
