The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
