My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
