This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
