Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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