Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
