Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
be right there i have to get my cape
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
