remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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