if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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