Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
