I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
