I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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